


Equilibrium

by De tranquillitate animi (Frustramemoria)



Series: The One [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Grand Marshal Armitage Hux, M/M, Mentioned Brendol Hux, Mentioned Enric Pryde, Past Abuse, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Slow Burn, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, The Dark Side of the Force, The First Order Wins (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22365616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frustramemoria/pseuds/De%20tranquillitate%20animi
Summary: Despite all efforts The Resistance falls and The First Order emerges victorious.Kylo Ren survives his ordeal on Exegol, only to return as a changed man that throws himself into isolation and meditation.Amidst all this chaos Armitage Hux is promoted to be Grand Marshal, with Rens absence he has all reigning power as his representitive.He has everything he ever wanted.So why is he feeling so empty inside?
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Series: The One [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1681834
Comments: 14
Kudos: 167





	1. Beginning

**Equilibrium**

_noun  
a state of balance  
a calm mental state_

The one thing Hux has always liked about space is that it was so utterly quiet. The vacuum swallowed every ever so tiny noise and spat it out as all surrounding silence, accompanied with absolute darkness. If it weren’t for the billions of tiny stars trying to shine through the unforgiving black of the universe and the slow and steady hum of the spaceship he could’ve just lost himself in space. 

Of course the idea of it was, in of itself, ridiculous. He had nurtured it ever since he was a small child, looking up into the sky at night, hoping for this darkness to come and get him, swallow him as it did with sound.  
As a child, he wished for it.  
As a teenager he longed for it.  
As a young adult, the longing wish had turned into a sarcastic thought he told himself when things didn’t go as he had planned.  
‘I wish space would just swallow me already’.

And now? Hux didn’t know why he still held on to this thought, having banished almost every foolish thought he had as a younger self.  
As a matter of fact, for the longest time he had also forgotten about this thought, until just now.

Hux hasn’t been able to sleep and had decided that it wouldn’t be worth another try.  
So he currently sat in a chair in the officers lounge, staring into space.   
The officers lounge was usually filled with every type of higher ranking military in breaks or in between shifts. Away from the simple troops officers could mingle and relax, even have a drink after their shift ended.  
But now was the graveyard hour and the lounge was empty, except for Hux. He preferred it that way, over the years and ranks he visited the lounge less and less having found that more and more officers under him used the opportunity to lick his boots and it disgusted him.

Hux scrunched his face at particular memories and took a sip of the drink he had almost forgotten about.  
It was hypocritical of him to think that way and he knew it, as he had done anything and everything to get where he is now and he was certain that, as a junior officer, he had licked some people’s boots clean.

The heavy ring on his left middle finger made tiny noises against the glass and snapped Hux out of his thoughts.  
The white uniform - a memoriam of the Empire. Not his idea.  
The ring - as a sign of rank. Not his idea.  
He could care less what uniform he was wearing or if he had a ring or not. The important thing about the rank of the Grand Marshal was the power.  
And he felt it.  
It felt good.  
He had earned his respect back, the respect he had as a General before Palpatine, before Pryde. His people avoided eye contact, they followed his orders the way they should follow them and when they did look him in the eyes he could see the fear in theirs.  
He relished in it.  
What a painful path it had been for him to get where he was now.  
A path that almost ended in his death.

Pryde.

Pryde had embodied the man Hux has always hated. Stiffened in the old ways, opposed to anything new, a snide Imperial officer blinded by his loyalty to Palpatine. Hux knew that Pryde had looked down on the First Order and it had infuriated him.   
But despite all this Hux never thought for a minute that Pryde was an idiot.  
The whole plan of posing as a mole and more or less helping the Resistance was born out of desperation, as Hux had seen no other way out of the imperialization of the First Order. He had soon realized that the Final Order was nothing else but the second Empire and with the return of the old Imperial officers his role as General would soon be obsolete.   
They didn’t like him.  
Brendol’s bastard son.  
So he had to get out as soon as possible.  
He knew Pryde would figure out that he was the mole and would not be able to control his temper, which Hux had felt was only a weakness to every man.  
Chest plates and a few remaining loyal First Order officers saved his life.  
He went into hiding, but luckily didn’t have to for long, as the disaster of Exegol killed what was once the beginning of the second coming of the Empire.  
The only thing he regretted was the destruction of the Star Destroyers as they would’ve been a great addition to the navy fleet of the first order.

And Kylo Ren, for some reason, was still alive.  
Hux had been sure that he had died somewhere on the planet’s surface, in his mad obsession with the scavenger girl. But just a day after Hux has taken it into his hand to rebuild the First Order, he had come back, in an old ship of the Rebellion.  
To say Hux was disappointed was an understatement.  
He had been fuming.   
This idiot just wasn’t able to stay dead and now The First Order had the same idiot back as the Supreme Leader, after he was so sure that it would be his now.   
Ren had the audacity to not speak a single word after he had arrived and just fled to his quarters. Every attempt at contacting him failed.  
After a few days Hux got the message of his promotion, ordered by the Supreme Leader himself.  
It was something Hux hadn’t seen coming, as he had been sure Ren would just slice his head clean off his shoulders and present it to the rest of the officers on a silver plate.  
He waited for it to still happen, but days, weeks, months passed and Ren didn’t kill him.   
But he wouldn’t really speak to him either - Hux had tried, as the rebuilding of the First Order was extensive work and he was practically buried in it. As it was his duty to report the progress to the Supreme Leader, as well as get some important decisions as to which ways the rebuild should go, he sent dozens of messages and requested audiences only to get one sentenced answers mostly agreeing with his opinion and denial of said audiences.  
It was annoying and deeply frustrating.

But for some reason Hux lacked the energy to do something about it, as he knew he should.  
Why was he even thinking about it now?  
These thoughts already plagued him during the waking hours and now he should be in his quarters, asleep, getting said energy back.  
He took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, then exhaled.  
In one swig he finished the drink and got up.   
Might as well try sleeping now.  
Glancing one last time into the emptiness of the space he turned around and made his way back to his quarters.

_

It didn’t get better. His insomnia persevered.  
Not that Hux had ever been a man that got the recommended hours of sleep every night, his personal needs had been something he had always pushed to the back in favor of his work, but it had gotten so bad that he barely slept for two straight hours every night.  
So he found himself in the lounge again with a drink to his left, staring into space.

_Stupid boy._

A familiar ghost of his past whispered in his mind.  
Brendol had always just called him ‘boy’, spitting it out like he had just stepped into shit. Even when Hux got promoted to be a Major Brendol had just given him a sneer and the single comment “stupid boy”.  
Alcohol always made Brendols voice louder in his mind and Hux knew this.  
Why was he doing this to himself?  
Instead of going deeper into the thought, he took another sip.  
Ren still hadn’t really left the quarters, nor given a single, self-founded opinion on anything. The Supreme Leader of the First Order was a ghost.  
Normally, Hux wouldn’t waste another thought on it. Ren was in his opinion incompetent, short-tempered and short-sighted. Absolutely unfit to be the Supreme Leader.   
Normally, Hux would be glad to be able to execute this much power as he does now. His days are full with paperwork, giving orders, visiting newly set up sights.  
But rumors were spreading not only in The First Order itself; the Supreme Leader had barely been seen in the six months of his return. Is he even still alive? Is The First Order run by a phantom?  
As much as Hux didn’t want to admit this, but the reputation of a powerful force user at the top of The First Order was irreplaceable. It spread fear.  
And fear was the instrument he and The First Order ran on.

Suddenly he felt as all energy has been sucked out of him.  
He was just kneading his forehead with the knuckles of his right hand as the entrance door to the lounge behind him hissed open.  
Hux wasn’t particularly in the mood for company, so he turned around to get up.

He was caught by surprise as he saw Ren walking into the lounge.

“Supreme Leader”, he greeted, now fully getting up.  
Ren was dressed in his usual black gowns, the same Hux knew so well. For some reason he thought the next time he would see Ren, he had changed his outfit.

“I’ve been trying to contact you, these are important times and The First Order needs your presence”, Hux continued, after Ren didn’t give him an answer.

“I was busy”, it seemed so strange to hear Ren’s voice again.

“Busy?”, Hux grew irritated, “Busy with what?”

“With the force. It had been calling me after Exegol. I had to figure out what it all meant”, Ren stopped in front of the panorama view of the space.

“The Force?”, the audacity of this man, Hux thought, is beyond everything.  
“The Force?! The First Order is in the first stages of rebuilding, in this particular moment we’re assailable to any larger attack. Even if The Resistance has fallen there are still organisations out there that are potential threats to our new beginnings! Everything we do now is vital!  
And you, Supreme Leader, hide in the quarters and can’t even nod of a single order in person!”, for weeks, Hux had felt nothing, but now he felt anger.  
“The kriffing Force. Mystical bullshit”, he spewed.

Ren had watched calmly him as his temper unfolded.  
“Are you well, Hux?”, he asked, brown eyes piercing into his.

Hux sneered.  
“As if you cared for my well-being, _Supreme Leader_ ”

“Well, Hux, I was under the impression that despite my focus on the Force you would be able to handle everything”, Ren stated and stared again into the space. 

“Everything is going after plan or are you questioning my competence?”, Hux’s blood was boiling. Ren should’ve just stayed in his quarters, he thought.

“No, I never question your competence. I question your mental state”, Ren said, “I can practically hear you all day and night. Delegate or do something, but ease your mind, Hux”

Hux snorted. He suddenly didn’t feel like being angry anymore, he just felt tired.  
“Great to know you ransack my mind, Ren. If it bothers you so much, just stay out of it”.

“I don’t”, Ren turned to him, “You’re just so miserable it basically screams out to me”

Hux didn’t know what to say.

_Pathetic_

_Weak_

_Stupid boy._

He was about to say something, but Ren interrupted him.

“Get some sleep, Hux. I need my Grand Marshal well rested”.

And with that he left.  
Was that really Ren?  
He seemed so different to the man before.

Hux didn’t go to bed until two hours later.


	2. Chapter 2

Hux had to agree with Ren that he was miserable. But this was an issue caused by the lack of sleep, he told himself.  
He also told himself that he couldn’t sleep because he was overworked, even though he knew deep down that the amount of work that he did now wasn’t significantly more than the workload he had to deal with as a General.  
But he kept that thought small. Because otherwise he wouldn’t have known what he was missing from his life and the idea of this was scary to him.  
So the very next day after the run in with Ren he squeezed a short visit to the medbay between two appointments - fifteen minutes, more he couldn't offer. 

"How long have you been experiencing these irregular sleep patterns?", the mechanical voice of the droid unit asked. It has probably been designed with the intent of sounding soothing, but instead it came off as condescending.

"Two months perhaps", Hux answered, distracted by his own thoughts, "Just give me some sleeping pills". 

"Sir, it is not recommended to prescribe pills before an entire evaluation has taken pl-" 

"I don't care, this is a temporary problem and I just need something to sleep. Give me the pills", His grew impatient. His next appointment was in four minutes. 

The droid seemed mildly offended, but didn’t comment.  
“Intake at own risk, Sir”.

Hux practically snatched the bottle from the droid’s hands and got out of the medbay as fast as he could.He wasn’t in much of a hurry, he just didn’t want to be seen on the medbay, the meeting he would be attending wasn’t overly important, nor exciting.

Because besides Ren, for some reason, Captain Peavey was still alive.  
And he even survived Exegol without a single scratch.  
Hux knew that the reason was found in Peavey’s cowardness, he smelled danger from a mile away and fled as soon as the ground he was standing on was shaking.  
Hux didn’t particularly like Peavey, as a matter of fact, he disliked him thoroughly, too much of Peavey reminded him of the old, stuffed Imperial puppets that boasted around his ships merely a few months ago.  
But Peavey had some leading and strategic qualities and as long as you were the person with power in hand, he, to some degree, was a loyal officer.  
But Hux would keep his eyes on him and as soon as it was possible, he would replace Peavey with a young officer who had better qualities and a much more likeable face.  
He didn’t trust Peavey for a bit.

He did trust Captain Mitaka though.  
Mitaka had been loyal to him through everything, he had been the one that had pulled his “corpse” of the bridge and brought him into hiding.  
Immediately after Hux had picked up the pieces of the First Order, he had promoted Mitaka, as he felt that the young man had deserved it thoroughly.  
And Mitaka proved himself to be very useful and intelligent as the decisions he made helped The First Order immensely in getting back to her feet.  
He was a bit squamish, a bit nervous, but that would fade with the years, Hux thought.  
He had decided that in this meeting about reconquering certain parts of the galaxy that had fallen to small groups of mercenaries while The First Order was regaining its power, he would promote Mitaka again, making him Major Mitaka.

As a Major Hux was able to dispatch Mitaka on diplomatic missions. He would learn to be more confident in his role and Hux was certain he would do a fine job, as he knew Mitaka was indeed a very eloquent person if he just opened up a little.  
But, most importantly, he would relish in the sight of Peaveys bright red head, with him fuming silently about Mitakas promoting, effectively putting him a rank higher than Peavey.

Hux just couldn’t help but smile.

The pills finally managed to get Hux to sleep, but the side effects were horrendous.  
His slumber was so deep almost nothing could wake him up and when he did finally wake up he felt like something heavy just had rolled over him.  
He essentially just switched two different evils.  
After experimenting for a few weeks, he stopped taking the pills.  
The First Order was regaining territory, regaining structure, regaining respect.  
They had a good grip on the galaxy and everything, besides a few long running reestablishment projects, started to stabilize.  
Ren had finally started to get involved in The First Order again, mostly going on missions to root out whatever little splitter groups of The Resistance were left.  
Hux’s workload began to normalize.  
His sleep wouldn’t.

The chair in the lounge began to feel very familiar, as did the alcohol.  
From one of his last diplomatic missions Mitaka had brought him a cigar with an ‘exquisite kind of tobacco’ that only grew on this planet. Apparently it was very complicated to harvest and dry as well. An expensive gift.  
Symbolic for loyalty.  
As he had nothing else to do, Hux was smoking it just now and was just thinking about how Mitaka hadn’t understated its taste as he heard the door opening.

He knew who it was.  
He didn’t bother turning around.

“Glad to have you back, Supreme Leader”, Hux said. Ren had been on yet another mission to a small planet in the outskirts of the The First Orders territory to eliminate Resistance members.

“I see you haven’t fixed your problem”, Ren stated, drawing closer. He probably knew Hux wasn’t exactly genuine with his greeting.

“I have tried”, Hux continued to stare into space.

“I know”.

Ren settled in the chair beside him and Hux took another draw from the cigar.

“You look like shit, Hux”, Ren commented and Hux knew he was staring at him.

He put his head back, sighed, closed his eyes and then bothered to look at Ren.  
“Why don’t you mind your own fucking buisness, Ren”, it came out more dry than angry.

Ren’s face scrunched as if he was about to shoot something back, but he stayed silent.

“You have changed, Hux”, Ren said, after a few minutes of silence.  
Hux snorted.  
“So have you”.

And now what to do with it?  
“I know you think it’s the work that’s keeping you awake”, Ren continued, “It isn’t”.

Hux already knew this, he’d known it since the beginning but didn’t want to admit it.  
“Enlighten me then”, at this point he didn’t even care anymore, if Ren’s mystical Force had some solution that could help him, why not take a chance.

“You’re Equilibrium is out of balance”, he stated, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.  
“What?”, Hux was confused and immediately regretted giving into Ren’s advice speech. It sounded something a fortune teller on some desert planet tried to sell to him as his future readings.

“Every living being has an Equilibrium. The perfect state of balance. Everything is fine if everything inside of you is in balance. I can feel the Equilibirum in everything and everyone, through the Fore. Some have a strong balance, some are weak. Yours has always been one of the strongest I’ve ever felt. But since a couple of months it's been so unbalanced it’s almost painful to watch, I can’t blame you for being miserable, really. I had thought it would fix itself”

Hux stared at him.  
“Well, isn’t that fantastic, my ‘Equilibrium’ is unbalanced”, he originally didn’t mean to be this sarcastic, “And what do I do about it?”

Ren looked at him and it felt like he looked right into Hux’s soul. He always hated that about Ren, the way he seemed to be above him.  
“And unbalance is caused by the lack of a particular thing. You had always something in you that was bound to unbalance your Equilibrium. Something that has unbalanced it before and you unconsciously locked deep inside of you, instead of resolving it. It seems like the lock you put on it has a leak”.

Hux rolled with this eyes and pulled a last time at his cigar, before extinguishing it in an ashtray.  
“This isn’t really helping me, Ren, I have better things to do than listen to your-”  
Hux was getting up, but Ren’s hand gripped at his shoulder.  
“Hux wait-”

Hux’s world collapsed.

_“You pathetic-”_

_A kick._

_Pain._

_“Weak-”_

_A harder kick._

_The pain was everywhere._

_“-stupid boy!”._

_A hardened seam in his boot had split his eyebrow open.  
Warm blood was flowing into his eyes, he couldn’t see anything.  
“Dad, please!”, he was crying._

_Eleven year olds still cried.  
His tears were blending in with the blood._

_“Don’t call me like that you filthy boy!”  
After this kick, he heard something cracking.  
The pain was so overwhelming he felt like he couldn’t breath.  
Hard floor against his cheeks, blinded, he thought he would die right then and there.  
What had he done wrong?  
He didn’t know anymore._

_“Get up”, he heard Brendol say.  
How? How was he supposed to get up?  
“GET UP, I SAID”._

_He moved muscle after muscle, he tried his hardest, he really did.  
Oh, how it hurt.  
On his knees, on his elbows, but further was no more.  
Blood and tears dripped on the ground in front of him.  
He was sobbing, but everytime he did his chest hurt even more._

_“I can’t”, he whimpered.  
He heard his father sneering._

_“Stupid boy”._

And suddenly everything was back.  
The lounge, the chair, the space.  
“Hux”, Ren began, his features wide in surprise.  
Only now he realized he was crying.  
Panic set in.

“Don’t touch me. Stop touching me!”, he tried to get Ren’s hand off of his shoulder.

“Hux, I didn’t mean to-”

“STOP TOUCHING ME”, he yelled, he felt scared, panicked. Things he hadn’t felt in years His was breathing hard.  
Finally, he was able to release himself from Ren’s grip.

“Hux, listen to me-”

“Stay away from me”, his voice was wavering, he hated it, he hated it so much.  
He had to use all self control he had left to not run out of the lounge instead of walking.

Ren didn’t follow him.

_

When Hux fell asleep, he dreamt of his father.  
He awoke, unsettled.

Brendol Hux.  
There wasn’t a single person he had hated more in this world. Brendol had never had even a single ounce of love for his son in his blood and often Hux wondered if him being legitimate would’ve changed anything about that.

Probably not because Brendol Hux had been a cruel, sadistic and choleric man that enjoyed preying on the weak, using them as his punching bag. Armitage, his only son, had been his favorite.  
But Brendol had never had any illusion of what kind of man he was. He knew exactly what he was - a monster.  
When Hux had told him this, aiming his blaster at him, Brendol had just grinned at him. As if he’d always known he would through his son’s hands. As if he didn’t care that if was happening that way.

That memory Ren had caused to return Hux had kept buried for years.  
After this particular day he felt nothing but emptiness towards his father.  
After this day he had sworn to kill him one day.

And what now?  
Ren had seen him at his most vulnerable. He had disgraced himself in front of the Supreme Leader, the one person he never wanted to see him like this.  
Hux was sure that every bit of respect Ren once may have had of him was irreplaceably gone.  
He was practically waiting to be stripped of his ranks.  
His life’s work was in shambles.

_‘I wish space would just swallow me already’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally had planned to wait with the second chapter to let it all sink in a bit, but I have a paper due for university and it seems like I have to start earlier then I thought.  
> So I wanted to finish this little fanfic as long as I am not too busy to do so.
> 
> Thank you for all the nice comments on the last chapter!
> 
> I was also toying with the idea of writing Equilibrium out of Kylo Ren's perspective when I find the time to do so.  
> Would you read it?
> 
> \- Frustramemoria


	3. Finale

Days went by without any incident. On the outside Hux tried to keep it together as best as he could, but inside he was on fire.  
What was Ren planning? His demotion? Public humiliation? Death?  
Hux wished it would be the latter - to not to lose the last bit of pride he still had. His death would perhaps be seen as deviance towards whatever the Supreme Leader had in mind with The First Order and in return he would be respected further in death. As a man that would’ve done anything for The First Order.  
He was being bitter and he knew it. How could he not be?  
His whole life he had been dedicated to his work, to rise in the ranks of The First Order, to defy the old men like his father and those around him.

In some way he always thought that Ren would understand. Hux had always seen himself as an outsider and so he had viewed Ren as well - even though they had no feeling but hate for each other’s ‘otherness’, they were still similar. Like two sides of a coin.

Now he had nothing left.  
Hux sat slumped over at his desk, staring at a data pad with plans of the new construction of a Star Destroyer. His latest project.  
The door chimed and Peavey entered. They had scheduled a meeting as it was in discussion if Peavey was getting the command of a different lower class Star Destroyer. Hux had hoped that if he gave Peavey a position of command his needs for power would be satisfied and wouldn’t ultimately turn against him.  
Even though it hardly mattered now, he thought, sulking in self-pity.

“Ah, Captain, take a seat”, Hux offered.  
Peavey seated himself without a word. He looked a bit wearily at him, but Hux didn’t blame him, as he would’ve done the same.

“High command has been very satisfied with your work, Captain, and I have to agree. You’re decisions in leading have helped greatly in the rebuilding of The First Order ”, it wasn’t a lie, Peavey really had been doing good work.

“I appreciate you saying that, Grand Marshal”. Peavey was humbled.

“Of course. That’s why, in agreement with the high command, I have decided to give you the command of the _Invader_ , as it was our opinion that you’re skills could be maximized with your own ship”  
Hux handed Peavey a data pad.  
Peavey seemed baffled. He obviously hadn’t expected this.  
“I…- really, I am flattered, Grand Marshal”, he was scrolling through the data, “I have always thought the _Invader_ was a fantastic ship”.

“We may have never seen eye to eye with each other as people, Captain Peavey, but I’ve never doubted your skills”, Hux commented, in a rare moment of honesty, “And now that the _Invader_ is fully fixed we needed someone to lead this ship”

Peavey looked up. His face seemed softer now.  
“Ah, well - we may never see eye to eye, Grand Marshal. But I can see your dedication to The First Order and I will always respect dedication”, he looked Hux straight in the eyes.   
Respect.  
He had never thought to get it from someone like Peavey.

They discussed further details in regard of Peaveys future command and after about an hour conversation smoothened, until there was nothing left to discuss.  
There had been some silence, then Peavey spoke.

“I know it isn’t my place to comment, Grand Marshal...Hux”, he sounded a bit nervous now, but in some way determined to say what he had to say.

“To comment what, Peavey?”, Hux had a feeling where this would be going.

Peavey kneaded his fists, avoiding eye contact.  
“It’s unprofessional from my part, but-”, a sharp sigh, “I know insomnia when I see it, Hux, it is a brutal thing and only those who lived it know what it feels like”, he looked up.  
Hux was surprised by the honesty he saw in Peaveys eyes, stunned, even.

“I experienced it after my first wife died”, he continued, “Stars, she’s gone thirteen years now. She was the rock I had held on. I couldn’t sleep for one and a half year”  
Peavey got up, it was clear that he was uncomfortable with what he was saying.  
“I met my second wife and now I do everything so that nothing happens to her, including losing me. And I can finally sleep. I hope your insomnia will vanish soon Grand Marshal, I can understand”  
Peavey stopped at the door.  
“I hope this wasn’t too inappropriate of me”, with that, he stepped out of Hux’s office.

Long after Peavey was gone Hux was still staring at where he had stood.  
A General Hux may have thought Peavey’s comment was inappropriate, weak and pathetic.  
A Grand Marshal Hux, with the affliction he now had, thought that it was strange that he had never put effort into understanding what drove men like Peavey.  
So had Peavey’s Equilibrium also been out of balance, caused by his first wife’s death? Was he a coward in order to protect his new found family?

When Hux went to bed that night, he thought about what he was lacking.

_

Two days after he got a message to meet the Supreme Leader, in his quarters. Hux was sure that this was his walk towards his death. The First Order didn’t tolerate weakness like Hux had displayed and he knew this.  
He was in a way glad that it would happen through Ren.  
The only man that ever had the potential of perhaps understanding him, even if he was so insufferable.

His heart was beating fast as he drew closer, everything in him screaming to turn around and run.  
But not this time.  
Hux’s uniform was tidier than ever, he had even put his greatcoat on. To die with his head held high, he thought.

As he entered the quarters, Ren had his back turned towards him. He worse some dark, casual robes. Hux was a bit disappointed not to be killed in full uniform by Ren.  
“Hux-”, Ren began, as he turned towards him.

“I understand what you have to do”, Hux interrupted him, arms behind his back and head held high, “I only ask of you to do it quickly. I may have lost your respect, Ren, but I still have my pride and I don’t want my corpse to be some mangled-”

“Hux”, Ren’s smooth voice interjected.

Hux shut his mouth and pressed his lips.

“I didn’t call you here to kill you”, Ren said. There was something sympathetic in his voice.

“Well, if not, I’m here to get demoted. I appreciate that you wouldn’t do it in front of all of high command, Ren, but just get it over with already”, Hux snapped, he had been a nervous wreck on the inside all week and it started to seep through.

“You’re not here for that either”, Ren stated casually, not bothered by Hux’s outburst.

This knocked the air out of Hux’s lungs. For a few short seconds he didn’t know what to say.  
What did Ren plan?

“Then…”, Hux was confused, “...why am I here?”

Ren remained silent for what to Hux seemed like an eternity. Ren just stared at him.  
Hux, in the deepest chambers of his mind, had always thought that Ren was a good looking man. Elegant features, deep chocolate doe-eyes and luscious black hair, even if it was way too long for Hux’s taste.  
But Hux would never admit to himself that he thought that Ren was beautiful.  
Hux was attracted to men, yes, that was true.  
He also was attracted to men with power, also true.  
But not to Ren, never to Ren.

Ren’s look cast down.  
“I have always admired you, Hux, for everything you were and are. As you are the things I will never be”, his voice sounded strange, as if he had long thought about what words to use, “Since the first day I saw you, I knew I would hate you because I had to. Because my pride wouldn’t let anything else happen. Everything you had you worked for, my powers were given to me. What I lacked in self control you made up double”

For some reason, Hux felt that this was something sensitive. His skin felt like a thousand ants were crawling underneath it. Without noticing it his posture relaxed.

“The Force is a strange thing. You don’t know what it wants. I was torn between Light and Dark, having studied, spoken with Jedis and Siths I tried to understand, but there is nothing to understand. The Force is ambiguous - so I chose the Dark, as it had been calling me for a long time”, Ren drew closer.

“But history had shown countless times that wielders were even stronger with someone on their side. So I had pursued the scavenger girl in an attempt to win her over as I thought that she was my perfect counterpart, would make me whole, would balance my Equilibrium.  
But Exegol showed me that I’ve been chasing the ghost of a feeling, a shadow. She wasn’t what I thought she would be to me. I was frustrated. I didn’t know what to do. So I locked myself into my quarters”, Ren was now standing right in front of Hux. The whole time he had been speaking his voice had been even and smooth.

Hux felt his brows furrow.  
“I...I don’t think I know what you’re getting at, Ren”  
 _You know_ , he thought, but suppressed it.

“I’ve been a fool, Armitage, because the one person I needed to make me stronger, to stabilize my Equilibrium was in front of me all along”, he was standing so close now Hux could see Ren’s eyelashes.  
His heart was beating fast.

“You can’t mean-”

“It’s always been you”, Ren said, as if he realized it a second time again. He raised his hand and cupped Hux’s face. He stared at him in awe, as if Hux was something precious.

“I am sorry for the memory I caused you. I never knew your childhood had been this painful. I understand you know, a bit, for who you are and how you act”, his voice was a mere whisper, “What you lack, what you’ve always lacked, is love, Armitage”

Hux felt like something in him broke. 

“I don’t know what you mean”, he tried, but his voice was just as small.

“I can give it to you”, Ren now looked him in the eyes, perfect brown eyes.

Hux had denied himself for so long. Denied the way he stole glances from Ren. Denied how he thought he was beautiful. Denied the way the prospect of Ren’s power made him feel. He had built a wall, a tall, strong wall that nothing could penetrate. Behind he was hiding feelings and vulnerability. But now that wall was crumbling, breaking down.  
Ren had torn it down, with just a few words.

“Ren...Kylo”, he closed his eyes, “I- I can’t”

He now felt two hands holding his face. He opened his eyes again.

“You can, Armitage. You’ve been cold for so long, you were denied the feelings of love for a long time and it’s difficult to let anyone in again”, the words sounded nothing like a Kylo would’ve said before Exegol, “Together, we are strong, together we will bring Order to this galaxy”.

Hux was fighting an inner war. A war between him now and his past self.  
But he knew what would feel right.

“I believe I can try”, he finally said.

Kylo smiled.   
Hux then felt soft lips on his. It felt like electricity was shooting through his whole body, as Kylo’s lips began to move. And suddenly nothing mattered, not his insomnia, nor his outbursts.  
He felt free.  
Their kiss intensified, with Kylos tongue roaming in his mouth, both men drunkenly lost in each other. Hux moaned. He had dreamt about this about four times, each time chastitizing himself for dreaming such things.  
Now this was reality, those lips on his were reality, those hands creeping under his uniform were reality.   
It felt so right. How could he have ever been so blind?

A few hours later, as he laid in Kylos bed, with an arm slung around his naked waist, he felt his eyes close and finally drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's a wrap!  
> I hope anyone who read this short story liked it.
> 
> As I know myself, I will at some point give this a rework that will probably be longer and more complex than this is. Even more intense slow burn, even more feels.  
> We'll see when that'll come though.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading my first fic in years!
> 
> \- Frustramemoria

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first ever fanfiction I have written in five to six years.  
> I thought I had left this hobby of mine, but this just came over me and I had to write it down.
> 
> I have no Beta reader and English is my second language, so every error that might've occurred is on me.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it anyway. Leave a comment if you want, I'll gladly read it.
> 
> \- Frustramemoria


End file.
